Average Guy Horrible B Movie Blog: Dark House (2009)

MOVIE

Today's post is for a decent movie with a terrible name, Dark House. Touted by Fangoria, or at least their name is on the cover, it is your usual haunted house movie cast with overtones of madness. This is definetly a CG fest, but in a good way as it plays into the story. I was happy to see Jeffrey Combs of Re-Animator fame in a starring role as he plays a good person to dislike. Minor nudity, and decent writing (I am so happy they didn't go the way I thought they were) makes this one to see, if not remember.

SUMMARY

We start off in a scene with scary dolls and blood. The dolls alone would have freaked me out. A little girl goes into a house, not her house, and one known to have a crazy old woman inside, so I didn't expect the little girl to live that long. Thankfully the woman has already massacred all the other kids inside, which should have given the kid a hint that she should get the hell out of there. Thankfully the crazy evil old lady had already jammed her hand into the garbage disposal, because, well that's what you do after killing a bunch of kids, and is on death's door. Flash forward to the heroine, Claire, having, surprise, nightmares about what happened that night 14 years ago. We find out that she sees a shrink and wants to be an actress, because, of course acting is a very stable career and will help Claire work though any issues she has of that horrible night. The doc tells her to go back, she tries but can't do it as we see she breaks down every time she tries to enter the front door. Enter Dues Ex Machina in the form of Mr. Walson, who just happens to make spooky old places into attractions for the public, and guess where he had decided to do it next, that's right where Claire was nearly killed. Walson needs actors to help with the attraction so he hires the actors at the local junior college to give it a go. Claire, nutbug that she is, asks everyone to do it, despite their wish not do something productive with their acting skill, which I don't get. I guess the rest of the class didn't really want to act or make money for some reason.

Cut to the good stuff. The whole house is CG'd up to give a good scare, and we are talking near perfect CG. The other actors are ready to get the scare on, and Claire, who probably isn't that good an actor due to her being mental and all, is the tour guide. After a scary moment that might very well all be in her head, we move on to the computer programmer in charge of all the CG being knocked off so the spirit of the crazy old lady from the beginning of the movie can take over the special effects. Now, why a ghost needs to take over a computer in order to kill people is beyond me. Perhaps this is something the writer should have explained to the audience (hint,hint), suffice it to say it happens and the killing begins.

The killing is not all that inventive, except that it shouldn't be possible. Acid thrown in a reporters face is not explained away as special affect, but as "impossible". Then the other reporter falls down the stairs, which just goes to show that she was clumsy, not that the house was haunted. Then things get interesting. People are killed right and left, usually by some "hologram" that somehow has the ability to interact with reality. Head smashed in, axe in the back, the most interesting is a guy thrown into a iron maiden, not to be confused with the band, and even that isn't that ghastly. Of course everyone thinks its the computer programmer, except Claire who I wouldn't believe it even if she was totally sane. Pull the power and a few minutes later the back up kicks in, this place is better run than Disneyland. Eventually everybody dies except Claire who finally remembers what happened as a kid.

The audience is treated to a not so pleasant old fashioned Bible reading/whipping followed by a show of defiance started by Claire, yeah I'd be toasting the good book in the fireplace too if somebody smacked me every time I read a chapter. This leads to the showdown between Claire and the crazy old lady, and then fade to black. Police show up and everybody but Claire is dead, and she has totally lost it. Sitting on the floor we, the audience, are forced to believe that she just lost her mind and did all the killings herself. At this point I gave up hope this was all a dastardly plan by her psychiatrist but that is the writer in me I guess. I don't know about anybody else but I believe Claire did all this for about five seconds, until I see the only other "real" actor I recognize int the move (Don Stark from That's 70's Show) say, "We'll see..."

Thankfully the writer didn't leave it at that, or I would have flat out hated this movie. We are taken back to the house to see the little girl that discovered the dead bodies 14 years ago enter the house with her boyfriend, and what is that, a shadow in the corner. Well, that is just too bad, because all the doors close and... fade to black/screaming. Or I should say fade to credits with heavy metal band singing the lyrics to "Dark House", trying to be Iron Maiden, yes the band this time, but coming out more like Gun's and Roses.

ACTING!!!

Who do I start with first? Okay Claire played by Meghan Ory did a pretty good job of acting insane and just a bit off all the time. I could totally see her losing it. Of course I can't not mention Jeffry Combs who did a great job as the strait man continuing to not believe a ghost was responsible for all the killings until he got himself killed. Unfortunately he didn't do that great a job of convining me he was a selfish jerk of a businessman, just a bit too nice. Then there was Diane Salinger as Mrs. Darode, the crazy old lady turned psycho killer and ghost. She was a pretty convincing evil ghost up until she had to wig out, then she fell back on the ol' unhining jaw and moaning trick. Still, that wasn't bad, though they should have done a little more CG with her at that point. The rest of the cast... meh.

RATING

I'm going to give this one 7 starts, simply because the writer managed to throw me for about five seconds, and the story was not inane. The special effects and make up were pretty good too, but what else to you expect from a movie recommended by Fangoria. I'd watch it again, just not any time soon.